Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts

Monday, August 18, 2014

Don't rock the boat, it's almost time for school

It's my tenth summer as a mom. We have one week left. One more week of rowing this boat and trying not to let it tump over. We've made it this far.

The oldest is going into fourth grade. The youngest has one more year of preschool. I feel like time has sped by at a rate that I was neither prepared nor hanging on for. I asked the hubs the other day if he missed those two little babies we had, those precious cherub faced toddlers with personalities that wowed us every day. "Nope," was his firm answer. "These two are potty-trained." Well, he has a point.

Honestly, I'd love to be one of those moms who can't wait for school to be out. Who plans activities at home and peruses Pinterest all night trying to find more fun things to do. One who mourns the start of school as the end of an era. One whose summers are spent in quiet observation of her children at play, noticing every changing nuance as time goes by. (Seriously, who has time for that?)

Who am I kidding? That's not me. Me? I'm skipping down the aisles of the mall shopping for school clothes and shoes with glee. I'm marking off the days to the calendar like the first day of school is a vacation to Cabo. You know why? Because school is good for them, and it's good for me. They get to let their creativity flow, they get to be social, they are exposed to experiences and learning they don't get at home. I get to go to the grocery store in peace. hit the gym without a time limit, meet a friend for lunch every so often, finish projects on the house, volunteer for the school and the community, and run errands without chasing down the youngest every five minutes.

So yes, I look forward to school starting. I look forward to having some time to get things done in relative peace and quiet. Am I going to apologize for that? Am I going to let anyone make me feel badly about it? Absolutely not. We all have different parenting styles. As long as you're not abusing your children, as long as they're happy and well-fed, you're fine. You don't have to be a perfect mom to be a good one.

So yes, I will send my children off to school with a sigh of relief. Yet before they go, I will tell them this:

1. You are incredibly special. Some people may not see it, and that's ok. The people who do see it are the only ones that matter. Don't ever be afraid to be yourselves and don't ever think you have to change to make anyone happy. It doesn't work that way. True friends don't ask you to be anyone but yourself.

2. Love is all around you. Mommy and Daddy love you more than you will ever know. And you know what? So many other people do, too. Aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. People who have never even met you. Your teachers will come to love you, too. If you get sad or worried, just think of that.

3. Mommy and Daddy will always be there. I might be a few minutes late at times, and sometimes it might be daddy when you didn't expect him, but we will always be there. Even later in life, whenever you need us, we'll be there.

4. You are smart enough and capable enough to do what is asked of you. So many times I hear from you, "I can't." And what do I say? I say, "Oh yes, you can!" There isn't anything you'll be asked to do that you can't do. There isn't anything you can't do if you put your mind to it (well, except fly, although that would be cool). I want you to walk into every assignment, every project, every challenge and say, "I CAN do this!"

5. Raise your hand. Accept new challenges. Don't be afraid to speak up, don't be afraid to answer questions. Sometimes you might be wrong, and that's ok. Most times you might be right, and that's great! But unless you raise your hand, you'll never know, will you?

6. Be accepting of others. Just as I said you were incredibly special, so is every other person at your school and in your life in some way. Get to know new people. Foster friendships you have. And never, ever judge anyone based on their appearance. Remember what you've been taught: people come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. If they're nice to you, be nice to them. And beyond that......if you see someone who's quiet, go try and talk to them. If you see someone who's upset, go try to help. Above all, if you see someone being bullied, stand up for them.

7. Do what's right. Don't do what everyone else is doing simply because they're doing it. You know right from wrong. I trust you.

8. You have the brightest future. 4th grade, preschool. Such a tiny start to a huge journey. But it doesn't matter what direction you choose to go, we will be right behind you, cheering you on, knowing you can do it. Anything you want. My 4th grader, you've told me you want to be a horse rider and a wedding dress designer. If that's still what you want when you reach high school, then that's what you'll work towards. Because you're going to be and do what makes you happy.

9. School is important. It's important for you to learn. It's important for you to listen. It's important for you to understand and follow the rules. It's ok to question them sometimes, but you must follow them. School is an important part of your growing up. At times it's going to be fun, at times it will be hard work, but you'll feel so proud when you know you've done your best.

10. Do your best. That's all we ask. We have never expected either of you to be perfect, we will never expect perfection. All we want is for you to do your best. Always. Whether it's a simple homework paper, a lengthy project, or even making your bed. Just do your best.

I don't expect them to listen. I don't expect any of this to sink in. Over the years it will, hopefully. It's something we'll repeat and foster in them year after year. I might not be the perfect parent. I might not be the crafty, hands on, cookie-baking mom that all the neighborhood kids love. I loathe Play-Doh, I despise messes, I lose my temper.

Know what else I do? I apologize to my kids when I'm wrong. I apologize when I've let stress get to me. I tell them that I love them. I encourage them. I reinforce their strengths. There are so many things I could do better, but there are so many things I know I do well.

If you're in that boat with me, you are doing just fine. We'll row together, ok?

OBM








Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Don't put the kibosh on the Easter egg hunt

Ok, serious mom vent.

So D2 has her Easter party and egg hunt today at preschool. It's fine, I have no problem with it. The kids love it, the Easter Bunny was there, all good fun.

Parents were asked to bring in a dozen plastic eggs filled with treats. No chocolate (as it might melt), no nuts, no peanut butter. I'm ok with that too. I put fruit snacks in D2's. Yep, I'm that mom. But I figured it was a pretty safe option and D2 asked for them. I told her we could put Skittles in them, and I also thought about Smarties or something like that......something appropriate for this age group. She wanted fruit snacks. So we got fruit snacks.

At the preschool, the eggs are pretty much just strewn about the playground. There's no "hunting" involved. The children were instructed to only pick up 12 eggs each, as each parent only brought a dozen. Seriously? Try telling your four year old to stop picking up every egg she sees because she has to stop and count. I get that it needs to be fair, but it was honestly like wrangling cats.

We stand there and D2 is trying to decide which ones to put back, as she has more than 12 (I actually brought 18, but who's counting). As we're trying to narrow it down, she sees some on the ground that she "doesn't have yet." You can imagine how long it took us to get down to 12.

So we get home, and she's all excited to open up the eggs. Now keep in mind, these are preschoolers. The children who were out at this time were no older than four, and most of the ones who were four have just had their birthdays. Just keep that in mind.

I told D2 she could open one egg. As each egg was opened and I saw what was inside, I let her open another, and another. And this is where I decided the "no chocolate" rule was going to have to include some more specific instructions. Because apparently, people just don't think.

Here's the rundown:

Egg 1: Twizzlers (she didn't like them, I'm not surprised)

Egg 2: Double Bubble Bubble Gum (this is PRESCHOOL)

Egg 3: Jawbreakers (seriously?)

Egg 4: 3 Jolly Ranchers (ok, this is just getting ridiculous....)

Egg 5: Smarties (Hallelujah! She loves those.)

Egg 6: A small rubber bouncy ball. (Not in this house. Years ago I knew someone who had a 5 year old daughter who put one of those in her mouth, it got stuck in her throat, and the EMT's couldn't get it out because of its texture. She died. These kids are all younger than 5. They scare the crap out of me (the balls, not the kids). They are not allowed in my house.)

Egg 7: more bubble gum

Egg 8: Starburst (ok choice, but difficult for preschoolers sometimes)

Egg 9: stickers (damn you.......just damn you)

Egg 10: Skittles (to my chagrin D2 doesn't like them, but yea for me)

Egg 11: Laffy Taffy (really, it's like eating wax)

Egg 12: A tiny little booklet on how "Jesus Loves You" - I kid you not. Who stuffed those eggs? Probably the same person who gives out pencils at Halloween.

So yes, I am bothered by this. At least I took the time to think of something preschoolers could or would actually eat. I'm starting to wonder if D2 just somehow found the duds in the egg hunt, but come on. I know very few preschoolers who can actually chew bubblegum, much less have patience enough to eat a Jawbreaker.

What about Sweet Tarts? We could have done M&M's, even if it was warm they would have been fine. Skittles were fine (yes, D2 doesn't like them.....more for me, don't judge). Smarties, jelly beans, gummy bears, Dots, Lifesavers, Runts, Sour Patch Kids, caramels, candy coated eggs, lollipops, ring pops, even individually wrapped Peeps would have been great. Got any more to add?

I'm actually feeling a little better about the Fruit-Snack-Eggs now, thank you very much.


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Dreaming of Adoption - Mike and Floyd

Meet Mike and Floyd.....two adorable guys who would make great parents. Please take a second to read this with an open mind. Go visit their Facebook page and given them a "like". These two are going to raise some amazing kids very soon.

Love and luck to the both of you....

One Blunt Mom
XOXOXOX

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Dreaming Adoption - Mike and Floyd


Introduction:

In September of 2003, our lives changed forever. We met in San Francisco, at a local Mexican restaurant, after chatting online for a few weeks. It was the beginning of a friendship that would lead us down the path of starting a family together.

For years, we talked about how one day we would love to start a family together. At first we were living in a small apartment and working on getting our careers going. We knew it would take time and groundwork, to build a solid foundation, that would one day support our dream. 

Building the foundation:

Today, we feel like that foundation is ready to start building our family on. We have a four bedroom house in San Jose, CA where we envision our child running in the yard, playing at the park down the road and enjoying the endless possibilities that the entire San Francisco Bay area has to offer. We have a second home in South Lake Tahoe, CA where we envision ample amounts of family memories such as boating, skiing and hiking.

The options:

We began researching our options, of starting our family, as a same sex couple. We researched surrogacy both domestically and internationally. We attended foster care training through the county and we started researching adoption agencies. We found the pros and cons of each of them and ultimately decided that a private, open adoption, would be best for us at the moment in time.

Why we chose the Open Adoption route:

We will take great comfort in knowing that our child will know his or her birth mother from the beginning. Our child will not need to go searching for unanswered questions later in life. We will let our child know that he or she was not given up on but given a chance. That his or her birth mother was strong and loving enough to make a decision that would benefit this child in the best possible way.

The birth parents will take comfort in knowing that their child is being well taken care of by seeing pictures of the child as she or he grows up, video conferencing and even in-person meets. The birth parents will be able to tell the child themselves how much they loved them and they wanted to give him or her a life that they just weren't able to give them at the time.

The difficult search:

One thing we did not know about adoption, when we started this process, was the competitiveness. Many more families are searching for children to adopt than children being placed for adoption. Some families, working with a lawyer or agency, rely solely on them to find them a mother who is considering adoption. Many families wait years until they are matched with a birth mother. Some give up hope during the process. The way we see this approach is compared to looking for a job by posting your resume on a job board and just waiting for someone to call you.

The social media plan:

Being matched with a birth mother is all about networking. It only takes that one mother who is considering adoption to make your dreams come true. Finding that mother is all about having as many eyes and ears helping you as possible. We created a facebook page to describe ourselves and our dreams to adopt. We shared it with our friends and asked them to share it with their friends and so on.

We make regular updates to the page, and hope to keep reminding everyone, to keep their eyes and ears open, for that one special mother. At times it feels awkward putting yourself out there. Especially being a same sex couple, you're really putting yourself out there, in front of a lot of people, all with different opinions. We have received a lot of positive feedback from people wishing us well and looking forward to the day we are able to announce the arrival of our child. 

Our facebook page is our way of proactively looking for that "job" instead of just placing our resume on the job board and waiting for an employer to call. We hope and pray that you are willing to help us spread the word, share our facebook page and help make our dreams come true.

With love and gratitude,

Mike and Floyd

https://www.facebook.com/mikeandfloyd 

Email us directly: mikeandfloyd@gmail.com



Meet Mike and Floyd here:

Mike and Floyd - Adoptive Parent Profile





Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The Day I Almost Threw My Baby Down the Trash Chute

Yeah, so let me explain.....before Child Services and the FBI show up at my door. Wait, there's the doorbell.......pizza's here!



So there was life before children. You know, life where you didn't worry about getting home at a certain hour, where staying out until last call was pretty much a given on the weekends, and you could go to the grocery store whenever you wanted, even a couple of times in one day if you had to. Alone. With time to browse. Actually read a label or two. Grown up stuff.

Now I don't know about most of you, but I didn't have my first child until I was over thirty. Before that, I worked in child care, retail, and as a teacher in elementary school. I've worked with kids of all ages since I was twelve.....babysitting, working with camps, at church (yes, I actually went to church), and volunteering. I'd always wanted to be a teacher, and so I put myself through college, got my degree, and worked for the public school system for several years.

For years I had the chance to observe the parents of the children I worked with. Parents of varying age, experience, backgrounds, and ideas. I would think to myself often that, "I'll do that differently", or, "Wow I'm going to have to remember that when I have kids," or, "Oh HELL no that did NOT just happen."

Kids throwing a fit in a restaurant? Oh my children would be taught to know better. Child pitching a fit in the grocery store over candy? My children will be standing quietly, hands folded behind their back, waiting patiently for me to finish checking out. Teenager in the department store arguing about why she needs a $100 pair of jeans? Oh no, my children will be taught to be respectful and to value themselves, no matter what they're wearing. I was full of judgement and self-righteousness, knowing that when I had my own children, things were going to be different.

And WOW are they different.

We all hear the saying that babies don't come with owner's manuals. There is SO MUCH that you don't get told about what it's like to all of the sudden have this tiny life literally in your hands. And you're expected to keep it alive. For like, EVER. Sure, they'll help you learn to breast feed, they'll ask you if you know how to change a diaper, they'll even help you give the baby a sponge bath in the hospital. They'll show you how to swaddle, how to support her head, the basic stuff. Then they'll send you home  like you know what you're doing. And you leave the hospital absolutely terrified.

And then it sets in. PARENTAL PARANOIA. Come on.....you know you've had it. Situations that before seemed completely innocent are now danger-prone death traps that might harm your newborn baby. You'll conjure up these ridiculous scenarios of what MIGHT happen to the point that you'll give yourself mini panic attacks thinking they could actually come true.

Hence the trash chute. When my oldest was just barely a year old, we moved up to the Boston area. Until we found a house, we had a temporary apartment in the city. We were on the 8th floor. My husband went to work every day, leaving me, the baby and the dog to fend for ourselves in a city I knew nothing about. I do know that I am NOT an urban dweller. By any stretch. I need grass. (No, not that kind.) But I digress. Anyway, to take out your trash, you had to go down the hall, use a key to open the trash closet door, and put the trash down the chute. Most of the time, I was holding my daughter in one arm and holding the trash in the other. After doing that a few times, I told my husband that I would no longer take the trash down, he would have to do it. Why? Because I would have little panic attacks as I stood there and I would think to myself, "What if I put the wrong one down the trash chute?" I would envision this to the point where I would literally get sick to my stomach.

Now OF COURSE that wasn't going to happen. I am not a complete idiot. I do have my moments, but for the most part I'm a pretty intelligent, level-headed girl. Really I am. But having this little life that I was completely responsible for just changed my perception on so many things. Normal, every day things. Simple, common sense things. But you become so much more aware of the dangers out there, the things that can hurt you, your child, your family.........and I haven't even gotten to the dangers that include the crazy people. That's a whole other blog for a whole other day. Hell, that's a book right there.

So, parental paranoia. It's that feeling of panic when you can't see your child in the department store even though you know for a fact that he's standing on the other side of the t-shirt you're looking at. It's those ridiculous scenarios you'll create in your head when you're driving down the road about what exactly would happen if the car went into the lake.......how would you get out? How would you get the kids out? Then you realize you live in a desert. It's the wide-eyed panic you feel when your little one is eating a cracker and coughs.....and you're sure they're choking to death and you hope to God you can remember how to do the Heimlich on a toddler. It's seeing the video of the woman leaving her stroller on the train platform......and the stroller rolling off.......and the train hitting it (the baby, miraculously, was fine)......and thinking to yourself that you're going to handcuff yourself to the handle of your stroller every single time you use it from now on. It's checking on your newborn fifteen times a night during their first year because you've been staring at the video monitor for an hour and you just can't be sure they're still breathing. It's all of those things that common sense would tell you don't make sense, and yet it doesn't matter.

It's Parental Paranoia. And no one tells you about it. And it doesn't go away. But it's real. It's out there. And it's not fun.

Good grief......when my kids start driving I might just have to check myself into a mental institution.

OBM

Saturday, August 24, 2013

My Baby Called Me Momma: An Epiphany

So it's not often that I have one of those "Ah ha!" moments. I would venture to say that the same is true for most parents. We tend to get through each day on cruise control, going through our routines and just hoping to make it to bedtime with some degree of sanity left. And I don't know about you, but every night after my babies are in bed, tucked in safe and sound and snug as bugs, I sit and I think about a million things I wish I had done differently during the day. Things I wish I had said or not said. Reactions I had to situations that were either over the top or not reactive enough. I am so far from being a perfect parent it's not even remotely funny. I lose sleep over this. I really do.

The other day, the hubs and I were out to lunch with the girls. It was a normal day, a normal lunch, nothing special. Both of the girls were playing with their iPads (no judging) while we were waiting for our meals to be brought to the table (and yes, they put them away when our food arrives). I'm sitting there trying to have an adult conversation with my husband, and naturally my youngest wants to tell me about every single thing going on with the screen on her device. Most of the time, I'm like, "Yep, that's great," or, "Wow! That's awesome," not actually looking at what she's showing me. Come on, you do the same thing. There's only so many times you can look at the Dora game before you want to pull your hair out.

But then she said, "Oh look, I made it blue, Momma!"

There was something in her voice, such a sense of joy, that it made me stop and just look at her. I don't know what it was, it was something she had said many times before, in one version or another. But it just made me catch my breath. For a while I just sat there and studied her face, her hair, the different looks she would make as she was concentrating, her perfect skin, marveling at how this tiny creature was mine, was created inside of me, and how, for now at least, I (and her daddy) am the center of her whole world. I looked over at her older sister, and tried just looking at her, but I got the, "What??" question, so I smiled and let it go. The whole experience didn't last more than a couple of minutes, but it was quite humbling, and it brought tears to my eyes.  Here was this amazing little person, calling me "Momma". Something I waited for my whole life. Something I had heard her sister say a million times, and I remember feeling amazed the first time I heard it. But this time, something just hit me.

My husband and I talk a lot about how lucky we are. Just the other day he was telling me that a coworker of his told him about a good friend who had just had a baby, but the lungs weren't developed enough and the baby passed within a day. We have friends and family who have had babies with severe birth defects. We also have friends and family who have either never been able to have children or have struggled and struggled with fertility treatments and doctor intervention to have just one child. I have PCOS, and we didn't get married until I was in my early 30's. I was positive we were going to have to go through fertility treatments and all of that in order to get pregnant. I was actually pretty scared that we were never going to be able to have children. I just wanted one. My whole life I had wanted to be a mom. I always thought that if I was just lucky enough to have one, I would be content. Never in my life did I ever imagine I would be blessed with two beautiful girls, neither of whom were conceived with any drugs or fertility intervention at all. They are truly amazing babies. My first born was a preemie, and she spent over a week in the NICU, but she is quite healthy now and so amazingly smart, precocious, sassy, independent, gorgeous and at the same time incredibly vulnerable that there are many times that I just don't know what to do with her. The youngest was full term, hale, and hearty and is now three. Enough said.

So again, we try to appreciate how lucky we are. When we see children in wheelchairs, children who have obvious disabilities, when we hear stories about tragic births like the one above, or friends who have miscarried, or other sad news, we look at each other and know that we are lucky. And yet, we still take for granted our two beautiful, well-mannered (most of the time) girls. Every single day. We take for granted the fact that they can walk independently, communicate effectively (and sometimes a little too well), go to the restroom by themselves (finally).......we take their very existence for granted, like we deserved these amazingly gorgeous creatures to be ours.

I could say I am going to try to change. I could say I will take the time every day to stop and appreciate these precious little people and how amazing they are, each in their own way. I am their mother, I love them more than my own life, I will protect them from any harm, giving my own life in the process if I have to. But I am also human. I get tired, I get frustrated, I get annoyed, and honestly.......there are only so many times you can hear your name being called in the space of two minutes before you are ready to break something. Seriously. If you can't relate to that, PLEASE, tell me your secret.

What I will say is that I will TRY. I will try to slow down and appreciate the little moments where my children are being children, I will try to cherish the smiles and the impromptu "i love you's" more, and I will do my best to not let my frustration with myself carry over into any frustration I have with them. What do I mean? I am a terrible time manager. I try to tell myself I'm not, but I am. And when we are running late, I get stressed and frustrated, and it's no one's fault but mine. So I am going to change that. For all of us. Because these two little people deserve happy mornings and yummy breakfasts, not "hurry ups" and frozen pancake sticks.

I'm gonna go get some hugs and kisses now.

XOXOXOX

One Blunt Mom





Monday, August 19, 2013

The Truth about Vaccinations: Your Physician Knows More Than the University of Google (Guest Blog)

(I found this link through a friend on Facebook. The article is written by one Jennifer Raff, who possesses a Ph.D. in both Anthropology and Genetics and is currently on staff at the University of Texas at Austin. You can read her credentials here. After reading the article and all of the comments, some arguments made still baffle me. Let me know your thoughts.)

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The truth about vaccinations: Your physician knows more than the University of Google

“A cousin of my mom’s survived Polio and lived the rest of his life with its effects. He was not expected to live past his teens but made it to his 40s. I am grateful that modern science can protect us from Polio and other diseases and I choose to take advantage of modern science to give my kid better odds of not dying from a preventable disease. I had heard a lot of noise from people claiming vaccines caused Autism, but never saw any clear evidence. It just seemed to me like people really wanted to point to something as the cause and they latched onto vaccines.”–Jennifer
I have been getting into a lot of discussions about whether vaccines are safe in the last few days. I’m not sure if it’s because of a post going viral about a (terrible) Italian court rulinglast year (In contrast, American courts side with doctors and scientists on vaccine safety)or Jenny McCarthy’s recent hiring as co-host on “The View”, or simply (as a friend suggested to me today) the fact that a new school year is starting soon and parents are having to provide vaccination records to schools.
“(I got my children vaccinated) because the science supports it and I don’t want my kids to die. And civic reasons. It’s so straightforward.”–Britta
Whatever the reason, this week I’ve been in many conversations with individuals staunchly against vaccinations, parents who are very upset at the idea of unvaccinated children putting their own kids at risk, and parents who are confused and worried and want to know how to make the best decision possible for their children’s safety. I’m writing this for the third group of parents.
What’s going on?
There has been a very steep decrease in the rate of vaccinations recently, particularly (but I want to stress not only) within communities of affluent, well-educated parents:
“It’s that whole natural, BPA-free, hybrid car community that says ‘we’re not going to put chemicals in our children,’” Shapiro told Salon. “It’s that same idea: ‘I’m going to be pure and I want to keep my child pure.’”
California law mandates that all students get vaccinated, but it also makes it easy to get exemptions for personal beliefs. And parents in tony places like Marin County are taking advantage of it in seemingly growing numbers. One public elementary school in Malibu, an affluent beach town just north of Los Angeles, reported that only 58 percent of their students are immunized — well below the recommended 90-plus percent level — according to Shapiro.
And it’s even worse in some of L.A.’s private schools, where as few as 20 percent of kids are vaccinated in some schools. “Yes, that’s right: Parents are willingly paying up to $25,000 a year to schools at which fewer than 1 in 5 kindergartners has been immunized against the pathogens causing such life-threatening illnesses as measles, polio, meningitis and pertussis (more commonly known as whooping cough),” she wrote. –fromhttp://www.salon.com/2013/08/14/whats_with_rich_people_hating_vaccines/(Emphasis mine)
This is particularly frustrating when there is overwhelming evidence that vaccinations DO NOT cause autism. As the wonderful blog Science Based Medicine puts it:
“At this point, the evidence is so utterly overwhelming that there is not a whiff of a hint of a whisper of a correlation between vaccines and autism that it has become irritating that antivaccine activists keep pressuring scientists to do the same study over and over again, coming up with the same results over and over again, and then seeing antivaccinationists fail to believe those same results over and over again. Apparently, antivaccine activists think that if the same sorts of studies are done enough times, there will be a positive result implicating vaccines as a risk factor for or contributing cause to autism.”
Why are parents choosing not to vaccinate their children?
I think there are several reasons, but they all may have some connection to misunderstanding of what the scientific evidence on this issue is, or resistance to perceived authority. In Western cultures, we’re accustomed to framing every public issue as two-sided. People who refuse to acknowledge that there’s legitimacy to the other side are “unfair.” I think this viewpoint is really muddling the vaccine safety conversation. When the media presents scientists on one side, and Natural News on the other, it’s creating a false equivalency. The anti-vaxxers have no credible scientific evidence supporting their position, but placing them opposite a scientist makes it seem like there are two legitimate sides to this debate. There aren’t. The simple fact is that there’s overwhelming scientific consensus that the MMR vaccine doesn’t cause autism.
“I unapolagetically vaccinate my kid, and it’s not just because that’s what you do, it’s because I really looked at what the science said and made a decision based on facts, evidence, and rational weighing of risk-benefit. I think the problem is that it’s easier to feel off the hook for risking your kids via inaction rather than action. But realistically, the risks of vaccination are so much less than the risks of what could happen if your child does get a vaccine-preventable disease, and you are also protecting those who *can’t* be vaccinated. That’s why I get a flu shot. Not because I am going to die of the flu, but to protect the elderly, infants, and immunocompromised folks I might come into contact with.” –Melissa (emphasis mine)
Do vaccines work?
Yes. Here are some of the diseases prevented with vaccinations:
Do vaccines cause autism?
No. As a starting point for you, here’s a roundup of trustworthy scientific resources for you to read on your own (everything is peer-reviewed, or contains links to peer-reviewed articles):
Immunization Safety Review: Vaccines and Autismhttp://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK25349/
Vaccine Safety studies (a bunch of studies, with notes about what they mean):http://www2.aap.org/immunization/families/faq/vaccinestudies.pdf
Concerns about vaccine safety (this is really great, and written in layman’s language)http://www.immunizationinfo.org/issues/vaccine-safety/concerns-about-vaccine-safety
How do we know that scientists and doctors are right?
I’ve been asked about this quite a bit lately. One person asked me “why aren’t we getting peered reviewed research from other points of view?” The reason is quite simple: there isn’t any.
Scientific research works like this:
You start with the specific questions “Does the MMR vaccine cause autism?”, “Does the MMR vaccine increase the risk of inflammatory bowel disease?” and so forth. You then design a study to test that question. It’s not starting from one “side” or the other, trying to seek proof for it. That’s the way politics works, not science. When you get an answer, it’s either “yes” or “no” (actually it tends to be “there is a statistically significant association between this drug and this disease” or “there is NOT a statistically significant association between this drug and this disease.”) Your results are submitted to experts for peer review. These experts then go over your results and methods with a fine-toothed comb, trying to find weaknesses in your approach, or over-interpretation of the results. They evaluate your statistics to make sure that they’re correct. If they decide that it’s acceptable (and this is usually a very hard test to pass), your paper gets published and is considered “peer-reviewed.” But that’s not the end.
Studies are then done by other research groups to both test and build upon your results. While the initial screen by peer reviewers is very stringent, it doesn’t always catch mistakes, and can miss identifying faked data (for example, Andrew Wakefield’s paper got past peer review because the reviewers didn’t catch that his data were fraudulent). However, all scientific research is iterative–that is, it builds upon a foundation created by other research. So if your results are wrong, or faked, it will quickly become obvious to other researchers who try to replicate or use them. Scientific consensus is VERY hard to achieve. So when it happens, pay attention.
Why do I (and others) keep harping on “peer-reviewed” studies? Why do I (and others) refuse to acknowledge the truth of what X blogger says?
Science operates based on the philosophy that the truth is knowable if we design experiments correctly, and we do enough of them to rigorously test our hypotheses. And I hope that you know by now that anyone with a keyboard can make stuff up. Peer review is how we test that someone isn’t making things up. Experts in your field have to agree with your conclusions.
But what about Andrew Wakefield’s research?
“I got my son vaccinated after doing research about it. I had been going through birthing classes that were against it, but the scientist in me questioned what they were saying. I found the info about the falsified info about autism. I still couldn’t believe (and still can’t) that parents would hold chicken pox parties. I’d had chicken pox as a kid, and I know about shingles. It just made sense to me.”–Charity
Andrew Wakefield faked his data for profit. His medical license has been revoked as a consequence. It’s important that people know that the the link between vaccines/autism is based on an outright lie–most of the other authors on the paper have removed their names from it. You can read more about this story here:
What are the consequences of not vaccinating your children?
“We chose to vaccinate Vera on a regular schedule, and to be honest I did not do extensive research. I read enough to know that the studies showing an autism link were bad science and I found a pediatrician I really trusted and talked to her about it. I also really do believe that those of us with healthy kids should vaccinate to protect children who have compromised immune systems.”–Faye
Harm to your child:
Penn and Teller illustrate this beautifully (if profanely: language NSFW)
To put it simply, your child is at risk of contracting a preventable disease.
Image from http://www.freeinfosociety.com/media/images/1404.jpg
Many of us (myself included) don’t remember polio epidemics. This was the treatment. Image from http://www.freeinfosociety.com/media/images/1404.jpg

What happens in the absence of our vaccination program? Read about it here:http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/vac-gen/whatifstop.htm
Harm to other children:
“Unvaccinated children are concentrated in particular states, increasing the risk of transmitting vaccine-preventable diseases to other unvaccinated children, undervaccinated children and fully vaccinated children.” http://www.immunizationinfo.org/science/demographics-unvaccinated-children
One person with whom I was discussing this issue (he has not vaccinated his kids, but does homeschool them) put forth a hypothesis:
“but if you are correct, i guess in the near future the progressive stateswill have noticeable outbreaks (and not just the ones you read about), ones that touch somebody you know, as more and more hippy parents stop vaccinating their kids. stay clear of the pacific northwest or perish. ahaha. nah, we are growing super strong natural kids for the future here, and not ones reliant on medicines from a lab. we are sprouting wings and soon we shall fly to furthest regions of the universe and beyond”
I agree with that hypothesis. Unlike the rest of his comment, it’s quite scientific. IF vaccines are protective, and IF parents are choosing not to vaccinate, we should be seeing outbreaks of those diseases in states where the rate of non-vaccination is highest.
This is indeed the case. Here are two examples:
Incidents of whooping cough (pertussis) are significantly higher in states that easily allow parents exceptions from the vaccination. In Washington state alone, there was a 1,300% increase in cases.
Have you ever taken care of a child with pertussis? I have. This is what it’s like (warning: video of children in pain):

And cases of measles infection in the United States have already doubled since last year.
That’s just the beginning. This post is already too long, but I urge you to go to the CDC’s website and read about recent outbreaks. They are tied to regions where vaccine rates are low.
Final thoughts
Googling and listening to what people tell you over on parenting message boards, “Natural News”, and similar sites is not the same thing as advice from a trained physician. I really believe that the vast majority of parents who are leery of vaccinating their kids are simply confused because they’ve been given bad information.
“We live in a society, and our actions have consequences for others. It’s our responsibility to protect our children and our neighbors’ children. Plus our ancestors could only have dreamed of something that would protect their children from these horrible diseases.”–Mary
Vaccination is not just to protect your own child. It’s also a moral and civic issue. Remember that we are incredibly privileged in our society to have access to vaccines. In many places around the world, people don’t have easy access to them, and there are even some places where aid workers are killed for trying to administer vaccines. Our privilege confers responsibility as well. By vaccinating your children, you are also protecting other children (and adults) who can’t be vaccinatedHere is a really great explanation of this, and the concept of herd immunity.
“I chose to have my first child vaccinated because I paid some attention in science classes and it works. I paid better attention in history classes and have a sense of the suffering various preventable diseases have caused in the past and I didn’t want that for my child. After my first born spent a week in the hospital with an infection, I feel much more strongly about having my second child vaccinated. In that case, it wasn’t something that could have been vaccinated against, but there is no reason and no excuse for subjecting your child to the risk of that kind of suffering over a preventable disease. It’s irresponsible and cruel.”–Eric
Wakefield, McCarthy, Kennedy and other leaders of the movement are deceiving you. They bear responsibility for the deaths of children. That’s why I keep speaking out on this issue.
I hope that I’ve provided you with a starting point from which to do your own research. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask me here, or on twitter, or by email (jenny@northwestern.edu), or–even better–ask your physician!
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What actually causes autism? That’s a really important question, and it’s been the subject of intense research. I’ll write a post summarizing the latest results soon.
Edited to remove Lyme disease from list of vaccine preventable illnesses. There’s a vaccine currently in clinical trials, but it’s not fully tested or available yet. Thanks to “justreadingyourblog” for pointing that out to me.
Also edited for grammatical errors.

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