Don't rock the boat, it's almost time for school

It's my tenth summer as a mom. We have one week left. One more week of rowing this boat and trying not to let it tump over. We've made it this far.

The oldest is going into fourth grade. The youngest has one more year of preschool. I feel like time has sped by at a rate that I was neither prepared nor hanging on for. I asked the hubs the other day if he missed those two little babies we had, those precious cherub faced toddlers with personalities that wowed us every day. "Nope," was his firm answer. "These two are potty-trained." Well, he has a point.

Honestly, I'd love to be one of those moms who can't wait for school to be out. Who plans activities at home and peruses Pinterest all night trying to find more fun things to do. One who mourns the start of school as the end of an era. One whose summers are spent in quiet observation of her children at play, noticing every changing nuance as time goes by. (Seriously, who has time for that?)

Who am I kidding? That's not me. Me? I'm skipping down the aisles of the mall shopping for school clothes and shoes with glee. I'm marking off the days to the calendar like the first day of school is a vacation to Cabo. You know why? Because school is good for them, and it's good for me. They get to let their creativity flow, they get to be social, they are exposed to experiences and learning they don't get at home. I get to go to the grocery store in peace. hit the gym without a time limit, meet a friend for lunch every so often, finish projects on the house, volunteer for the school and the community, and run errands without chasing down the youngest every five minutes.

So yes, I look forward to school starting. I look forward to having some time to get things done in relative peace and quiet. Am I going to apologize for that? Am I going to let anyone make me feel badly about it? Absolutely not. We all have different parenting styles. As long as you're not abusing your children, as long as they're happy and well-fed, you're fine. You don't have to be a perfect mom to be a good one.

So yes, I will send my children off to school with a sigh of relief. Yet before they go, I will tell them this:

1. You are incredibly special. Some people may not see it, and that's ok. The people who do see it are the only ones that matter. Don't ever be afraid to be yourselves and don't ever think you have to change to make anyone happy. It doesn't work that way. True friends don't ask you to be anyone but yourself.

2. Love is all around you. Mommy and Daddy love you more than you will ever know. And you know what? So many other people do, too. Aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. People who have never even met you. Your teachers will come to love you, too. If you get sad or worried, just think of that.

3. Mommy and Daddy will always be there. I might be a few minutes late at times, and sometimes it might be daddy when you didn't expect him, but we will always be there. Even later in life, whenever you need us, we'll be there.

4. You are smart enough and capable enough to do what is asked of you. So many times I hear from you, "I can't." And what do I say? I say, "Oh yes, you can!" There isn't anything you'll be asked to do that you can't do. There isn't anything you can't do if you put your mind to it (well, except fly, although that would be cool). I want you to walk into every assignment, every project, every challenge and say, "I CAN do this!"

5. Raise your hand. Accept new challenges. Don't be afraid to speak up, don't be afraid to answer questions. Sometimes you might be wrong, and that's ok. Most times you might be right, and that's great! But unless you raise your hand, you'll never know, will you?

6. Be accepting of others. Just as I said you were incredibly special, so is every other person at your school and in your life in some way. Get to know new people. Foster friendships you have. And never, ever judge anyone based on their appearance. Remember what you've been taught: people come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. If they're nice to you, be nice to them. And beyond that......if you see someone who's quiet, go try and talk to them. If you see someone who's upset, go try to help. Above all, if you see someone being bullied, stand up for them.

7. Do what's right. Don't do what everyone else is doing simply because they're doing it. You know right from wrong. I trust you.

8. You have the brightest future. 4th grade, preschool. Such a tiny start to a huge journey. But it doesn't matter what direction you choose to go, we will be right behind you, cheering you on, knowing you can do it. Anything you want. My 4th grader, you've told me you want to be a horse rider and a wedding dress designer. If that's still what you want when you reach high school, then that's what you'll work towards. Because you're going to be and do what makes you happy.

9. School is important. It's important for you to learn. It's important for you to listen. It's important for you to understand and follow the rules. It's ok to question them sometimes, but you must follow them. School is an important part of your growing up. At times it's going to be fun, at times it will be hard work, but you'll feel so proud when you know you've done your best.

10. Do your best. That's all we ask. We have never expected either of you to be perfect, we will never expect perfection. All we want is for you to do your best. Always. Whether it's a simple homework paper, a lengthy project, or even making your bed. Just do your best.

I don't expect them to listen. I don't expect any of this to sink in. Over the years it will, hopefully. It's something we'll repeat and foster in them year after year. I might not be the perfect parent. I might not be the crafty, hands on, cookie-baking mom that all the neighborhood kids love. I loathe Play-Doh, I despise messes, I lose my temper.

Know what else I do? I apologize to my kids when I'm wrong. I apologize when I've let stress get to me. I tell them that I love them. I encourage them. I reinforce their strengths. There are so many things I could do better, but there are so many things I know I do well.

If you're in that boat with me, you are doing just fine. We'll row together, ok?

OBM

The Day I Almost Threw My Baby Down the Trash Chute

Yeah, so let me explain.....before Child Services and the FBI show up at my door. Wait, there's the doorbell.......pizza's here!

So there was life before children. You know, life where you didn't worry about getting home at a certain hour, where staying out until last call was pretty much a given on the weekends, and you could go to the grocery store whenever you wanted, even a couple of times in one day if you had to. Alone. With time to browse. Actually read a label or two. Grown up stuff.

Now I don't know about most of you, but I didn't have my first child until I was over thirty. Before that, I worked in child care, retail, and as a teacher in elementary school. I've worked with kids of all ages since I was twelve.....babysitting, working with camps, at church (yes, I actually went to church), and volunteering. I'd always wanted to be a teacher, and so I put myself through college, got my degree, and worked for the public school system for several years.

For years I had the chance to observe the parents of the children I worked with. Parents of varying age, experience, backgrounds, and ideas. I would think to myself often that, "I'll do that differently", or, "Wow I'm going to have to remember that when I have kids," or, "Oh HELL no that did NOT just happen."

Kids throwing a fit in a restaurant? Oh my children would be taught to know better. Child pitching a fit in the grocery store over candy? My children will be standing quietly, hands folded behind their back, waiting patiently for me to finish checking out. Teenager in the department store arguing about why she needs a $100 pair of jeans? Oh no, my children will be taught to be respectful and to value themselves, no matter what they're wearing. I was full of judgement and self-righteousness, knowing that when I had my own children, things were going to be different.

And WOW are they different.

We all hear the saying that babies don't come with owner's manuals. There is SO MUCH that you don't get told about what it's like to all of the sudden have this tiny life literally in your hands. And you're expected to keep it alive. For like, EVER. Sure, they'll help you learn to breast feed, they'll ask you if you know how to change a diaper, they'll even help you give the baby a sponge bath in the hospital. They'll show you how to swaddle, how to support her head, the basic stuff. Then they'll send you home  like you know what you're doing. And you leave the hospital absolutely terrified.

And then it sets in. PARENTAL PARANOIA. Come on.....you know you've had it. Situations that before seemed completely innocent are now danger-prone death traps that might harm your newborn baby. You'll conjure up these ridiculous scenarios of what MIGHT happen to the point that you'll give yourself mini panic attacks thinking they could actually come true.

Hence the trash chute. When my oldest was just barely a year old, we moved up to the Boston area. Until we found a house, we had a temporary apartment in the city. We were on the 8th floor. My husband went to work every day, leaving me, the baby and the dog to fend for ourselves in a city I knew nothing about. I do know that I am NOT an urban dweller. By any stretch. I need grass. (No, not that kind.) But I digress. Anyway, to take out your trash, you had to go down the hall, use a key to open the trash closet door, and put the trash down the chute. Most of the time, I was holding my daughter in one arm and holding the trash in the other. After doing that a few times, I told my husband that I would no longer take the trash down, he would have to do it. Why? Because I would have little panic attacks as I stood there and I would think to myself, "What if I put the wrong one down the trash chute?" I would envision this to the point where I would literally get sick to my stomach.

Now OF COURSE that wasn't going to happen. I am not a complete idiot. I do have my moments, but for the most part I'm a pretty intelligent, level-headed girl. Really I am. But having this little life that I was completely responsible for just changed my perception on so many things. Normal, every day things. Simple, common sense things. But you become so much more aware of the dangers out there, the things that can hurt you, your child, your family.........and I haven't even gotten to the dangers that include the crazy people. That's a whole other blog for a whole other day. Hell, that's a book right there.

So, parental paranoia. It's that feeling of panic when you can't see your child in the department store even though you know for a fact that he's standing on the other side of the t-shirt you're looking at. It's those ridiculous scenarios you'll create in your head when you're driving down the road about what exactly would happen if the car went into the lake.......how would you get out? How would you get the kids out? Then you realize you live in a desert. It's the wide-eyed panic you feel when your little one is eating a cracker and coughs.....and you're sure they're choking to death and you hope to God you can remember how to do the Heimlich on a toddler. It's seeing the video of the woman leaving her stroller on the train platform......and the stroller rolling off.......and the train hitting it (the baby, miraculously, was fine)......and thinking to yourself that you're going to handcuff yourself to the handle of your stroller every single time you use it from now on. It's checking on your newborn fifteen times a night during their first year because you've been staring at the video monitor for an hour and you just can't be sure they're still breathing. It's all of those things that common sense would tell you don't make sense, and yet it doesn't matter.

It's Parental Paranoia. And no one tells you about it. And it doesn't go away. But it's real. It's out there. And it's not fun.

Good grief......when my kids start driving I might just have to check myself into a mental institution.

OBM

Stupid People, Part 2: Parents

Yep, parents.

So let's start with the mother of the two brothers responsible for the vicious attacks in Boston.

Ok so I get it. You're their mother. You're supposed to think they're innocent. But I am pretty sure this applies to your child pushing someone on the playground, pulling a little girl's hair, or stealing gum from the candy store. Lady, your older son had explosives strapped to his body and he was shooting at the police. We kind of get testy when that happens. You say you regret bringing them to America? Why don't you tell that to the families of the four people they murdered? Freakin' nut job.

Hold on, I need a second. Deep breaths. Ok.

Next, we'll move on to examples of parents who have little or no common sense. A perfect example? Right here.....

I'm sorry, but I will argue with anyone who says it's "normal" to give a FIVE YEAR OLD a real, working shotgun for their birthday. A child that age does not have the mental capability to understand the seriousness of what a weapon like that is capable of. But then to leave the room, leaving the gun with said child, LOADED, with your two year old in the room?? 

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?????? 

Oh wait, you were the same person who gave the gun to the five year old in the first place. Never mind.  

I have two children. They are five years apart. I cannot even imagine the horror of this situation. May that sweet baby girl rest in peace, may that poor sweet boy somehow move on and become a productive part of society, and may those parents never, ever forget that it is their fault for putting that gun in that child's hands. And if any of you try to argue and tell me it was an accident, you can just can it. That's bullshit and you know it. 

Ok, hang on again. I'm gonna need a couple of seconds here. Lord have mercy. 

All righty then. Let's talk about the parents who want to be their kid's buddy. Their pal. Hell, even their best friend. These people joke at inappropriate times, throw food across the table with their kids trying to get them to laugh, use sarcasm when it's not needed or wanted, and generally make asses out of themselves trying to live vicariously through their children. These are the the moms of the Honey Boo Boo's, the parents of the Lindsay Lohan's, and pretty much any other parent who would subject their children to being on a reality show. The above mentioned people? I can't even get started on them, because I would never stop writing. That Honey Boo Boo chick is a total train wreck, beating out Lindsay Lohan by a smidge, and only because her mother is even scarier. Pageant moms. There's a topic for another day.

Then you have the enablers. These parents are the ones who smile and laugh when their kids tell them, "I hate you." They're the ones who buy anything and everything the kid wants because they want the kids to like them. They do the "talking" thing instead of actual consequences, because they are afraid of harming their child's self-esteem somehow. These are also the Helicopter Parents. They hover, circle, and swoop in at the first sign of any struggle, never letting the child figure anything out for themselves. They blame the teachers, the other students, the principal, and hell, even the lunch ladies in school for their child's poor grades or issues because it just can't be anything the child is doing wrong. Any trouble the kid gets into must be someone else's fault. They will continually bail their children out of any situation, so much so that by the time the child graduates, they have no idea how to fend for themselves.

I am not a perfect parent. I have never claimed to be. But I have worked with kids of all ages, in preschool and as a teacher in elementary school. I've changed more diapers than most of you will ever see in a lifetime, I've worn so many hats I've lost count, I've done it all. And do I know everything? Absolutely not. But would I ever do this??

Of course not. Why? Because I am not an idiot.

I am a child of a nasty divorce, and I come from the most dysfunctional family....seriously, Dr. Phil would have a FIELD DAY with these people. I grew up in the south with racism, bigotry, intolerance, and hatred, and yet I put myself through college, I contribute to charities, I married a wonderful, successful man who has his priorities straight, I strongly believe in being kind to others (unless they give you reasons not to be), I am very strict about social rules, manners, and etiquette, and my children and I try to practice random acts of kindness whenever we get the chance. We thank service men and women when we see them, we bake cookies for the fire and police departments, and we volunteer and get involved with our town. Why am I telling you this? BECAUSE A BAD PAST IS NO EXCUSE FOR A FAILING PRESENT. Blaming your inadequacies as a parent on your upbringing is just crap. People who refuse to take responsibility for their actions and who blame all of their troubles on others just piss me off. You make choices. Don't blame others if you made crappy ones.

I love it when I hear, "I can't control my children." Really? At what point did you decide to give up on being a parent and let the kids walk all over you? Kids misbehaving in the restaurant? LEAVE. Give them one warning. Then leave. It might be inconvenient for you, but they'll get the point. Kids not listening at the mall, or whining because they are not getting everything they want? LEAVE. Kids acting up in the grocery store? Yep, you guessed it.....LEAVE. Even if you have a full cart of groceries. I have walked up to a manager, pushed my cart full of food over to them, apologized profusely, and walked out of the store with a screaming child. I have also put my child in time out in the middle of the store. You are the parent. Act like it. You are the one in control. Act like it. My first born tries every day to push my buttons and get her way, and every day it doesn't work. You'd think she would have figured that out by now. 

Oh and here's a good one........I've got news for you, people.....not everyone thinks your kids are as cute as YOU think they are. So if your kids are being loud in a public place, especially when it's inappropriate, it is {newsflash!} your job to take care of the situation. This is especially directed at you.....oh brainiac parents who take their toddlers to R-rated movies that start at 8 or 9 pm. This is also directed at the parents who do nothing to keep their children entertained on airplanes, buses, subway trains, or other enclosed spaces, and the parents who are oblivious to the fact that their children are bothering or touching other people. Just last night my husband and I were having dinner, sitting outside on the patio of our favorite restaurant. The man sitting with his back to my husband picked up his son, who looked to be about three years old. The child kept poking my husband in the back. I used my mommy tone and told the child to keep his hands to himself, dad stayed oblivious. Kid did it again, my husband turned around and said, "Hey!" The kid stopped, dad stayed oblivious. 

Now, I love kids. I really do. I focus in on kids anywhere I go before I notice adults. I love talking to kids, I love interacting with kids. It's one of the reasons I became a teacher. But one thing I hate is for kids or anyone to invade my personal space. Even when it's my own kids. I just need my space. Hugs and cuddles are different, but don't just start messing with me. I can't take it. So one thing that makes me nuts is standing in lines in public places. People do NOT control their children or pay attention to them at all. I have had kids (and I am talking teenagers) stand right up next to me while waiting in line. I have had people standing behind me holding children where the children have pulled my hair. I take a step forward, they take a step forward. Seriously, I don't belong to you! Back the heck off! I will loudly tell my children not to get into other people's space, if only to make the point to other people standing around us. I will say, "Those people don't belong to us, don't stand so close," or, "There is no reason for us to stand so closely to these nice people, let's give them their space." Does it work? Yeah, not so much. People are just clueless. And it's just getting worse.  

I've said for years that I think it's absolutely ridiculous that you must have a license to catch a fish or shoot a gun, but any moron can have a child. Does anyone else feel the same way?

Here's an idea......start making parents responsible for the stupid crap their children do. Kid brings a weapon to school? Teenage boys get into a fight at a game? Haul the parents in.....and chastise them for not teaching their children to know better. How about the teenage girl that flipped off the judge in the courtroom? Her parents should also have been fined for raising such a brat. Lindsay Lohan, anyone? Her parents should have been spade and neutered before they were ever even allowed to have children.  Then we have the teenage girls that throw their babies in trash cans. The bullies who harass their schoolmates to the point of suicide. How about the 17 year old soccer player in Utah who punched the referee in the side of the head after being issued a foul, ultimately killing him? How is it that these people are allowed to raise these completely unproductive, sociopathic, disrespectful, conscience free individuals and then unleash them into society for all of us to deal with? Where is the logic in that? Maybe if people KNEW there would be consequences for raising children who are complete reprobates, they might think twice before having children OR they might really try to do a better job of raising them in the first place. 

And the creme de la creme? The icing on the cake? The "OH MY GOD I WANT TO PUNCH THIS WOMAN IN THE FACE THROUGH MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!!"?

Yep, I'll leave you with that one. Y'all have a nice day.

Every Day is a Second Chance.....

And I say that almost every freakin' morning. I think to myself, when I get up, that today is going to be better, my first born will finally listen and do what she's told, I am going to get everything done that I planned to, and it will all be rainbows and sparkles.

Yep, not so much.

I had visions of myself as a mom.....the cookie-baking, muffin-making, PTA volunteering, doing crafts with the kids kind of mom that has fresh flowers on the table along with dinner every night.

Yep, not so much.

Clearly, my children and I were never meant to spend any length of time cooped up in an enclosed space together. I hear these moms talk about how they have breakfast on the table every morning, kids dressed and downstairs in plenty of time for school, homework done, hair and teeth brushed, and everyone is smiling and cheery. I'm sorry, but on what planet does this occur? Is this some alternate reality? Because in my house, it's a scream fest before bed and in the mornings. Oh I have tried not yelling, I have tried to be calm. I've tried Love & Logic, focusing on the positive, positive reinforcement, and all of that jazz. I hate it every time I yell, but my first born is so freakin' headstrong (I have NO IDEA where she got it.....) and I swear she is 13 at times instead of 8. This is a work in progress, though, and I refuse to give up.

Just this morning, I woke up thinking this was a new day, a second chance, and I go upstairs to check on my baby (the 3 year old) only to find that the first born isn't even out of bed. Now, she has three alarms.....yes, THREE. The first goes off at 6:30 am, and it's a cute little message that says, "Good morning, Sunshine!" The second one goes off 10 minutes later and it says, "I love you, but you have to get up now." She has a third one that goes off at 7:10 that tells her she needs to be ready to go and downstairs. She also has a list of everything she needs to have done, including brushing her teeth and hair. So this morning I am trying to get her to get her butt in gear, and I am not very nice about it. SHe got to school, lunch in hand, and I went home to feel guilty about the morning we had.

The whole brushing the teeth thing is such a battle. I don't get it. I have warned her about her teeth turning black, I have even showed her pictures on the internet. She's been to the dentist and she does great, but she will flat out lie to me about brushing her teeth. I'm not willing to budge on this particular personal hygiene habit, though, so the battle continues. Any suggestions??

In the meantime, I am so caught up in the craziness of this past week that it is really hard not to just sit and browse through all of the information on any given news station. I have friends in Boston and in Watertown, and I am just so angry that all of this has happened. I hear the mom of these two insane individuals complaining how they were set up, this is all wrong, etc. My first reaction is to think she is completely cuckoo, but then I realize she's their MOM, she's supposed to think that. But also as their mom, you would think she would know them better.

On that subject, I see a reference to the Boston police asking people to stop tweeting their locations and telling people where they (the police) are. I mean, I know it seems cool to say, "Hey! There's an armored truck outside my front door and the tactical squad is surrounding my neighbor's house!" Stupidity runs rampant. Sometimes technology is just not a good thing.

And then the explosion in West happened.....what a week this has been. West is the kolache capital of Texas, and it's right between Dallas and Austin. Nice people, nice town. It's just devastating.

So here I am, trying to appreciate my children more in the wake of all that has happened this week, trying to make every day a second chance, and falling right back into routines that make none of us happy. How do y'all handle you child when they are disrespectful? When they lie? When you just have no patience left? Suggestions are welcome.

I'm hungry.