Things I Can't Do Anymore, Thanks to the Internet

So we've all gotten the emails from Aunt Sally, the Facebook shares, the paranoid rants from friends saying, "OH MY GOD did you read the one about.....???" Most of them usually turn out to be urban legends. Even so, way too many people will believe them anyway. It seriously seems as if the more our knowledge is expanded by technology, the dumber and more gullible we get. No matter the story, no matter how far-fetched, it's on the Internet. It's been shared like thousands of times. How can it not be true? 

So here's a list of things I can't do anymore.....thanks to the Internet and all of you people who forward me emails, share things on my Facebook wall, and do the whole, "OH MY GOD did you hear about....." thing. Thanks so much.

Things I Can't Do Anymore, Thanks to the Internet:

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel. Or my sleeve. Or the hem of my skirt. I've even used my elbows at times. But I've seen enough women leave the restroom without washing their hands and I've heard enough stories about the crap (literally and figuratively) left on the handles of public restroom doors that I can't bring myself to touch them anymore.

I can't let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water - too much bacteria on the lemon peel. 

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. And don't even get me started on the ink blot designs I make in my head out of the blood and other stains that would surely show up with black lights in the hotel room. 

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. Hey! We didn't know they were bad until recently!

I can't touch any other woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes. I must also send an extra special thanks to whomever invented self-stick stamps and self-sealing envelopes. 

ALSO, now I have to wipe off the top of every can before I open it for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freakish things with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. (Actually I do use deodorant. Body odor is one of my biggest pet peeves and I just can't handle it, no matter what the consequences might be.)

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Yet another reason why I think religion is crap. 

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I also no longer use Listerine, because it can apparently remove the callouses from your feet. 

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. Or slide in the passenger seat. You know what? From now on I am just going to send my husband to buy the gas.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water or heat up my coffee in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movie theater because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. That and the fact that people in the movie theater are generally so fucking annoying that I want to slap every single one of them before the movie is over.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and the Ukraine........like I would dial it anyway. But I digress.

Thanks to you I can't use any bathroom but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the toilet seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Because there's plenty of room for a big black snake under the seat, you know. You'd never notice a huge snake before you sat down.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. Because they all want me. They really do. 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. For those that don't know, the Violin Spider is a Brown Recluse. I live in Texas. Those suckers are vicious. Your hand probably wouldn't fall off, but it wouldn't be pretty after the spider got done with it.

I can no longer take my dog to the dog park because she might pick up a poison soaked Nerf ball. There are just too many weirdos out there.

I can't use the barbecue grill anymore because if I'm wearing my contacts, they're going to fuse to my eyeballs, and if I'm wearing my glasses, I can't see worth a damn. 

So see? See all of these things I can't do anymore? Things that were, for the most part, fine and dandy before the Internet allowed us to share, post, send, and tweet anything and everything, be it true or not? 

I'm sure there are many, many more. Maybe enough for another blog on another day. But that's all for now. I'd love to hear some of yours!

XOXOXOX

One Blunt Mom

Mom Pet Peeves

I'm just gonna make a list. No elaboration needed. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

• Automatic flushing toilets (anyone who's ever been through potty training can relate)
• Automatic faucets that don't work
• Automatic faucets that only give out hot water (whose bright idea was that? As if it wasn't hard enough to get your kid to wash their hands in the restroom)
• Hand dryers that scare the crap out of kids
• High chairs in restaurants with broken buckles 
• Booster seats in restaurants (except Cracker Barrel, theirs ROCK)
• Servers in restaurants who decide to bring the kids their food first without asking the parents
• Servers in restaurants who decide to bring the kid a big bowl of whipped cream because the kid is throwing a fit (yeah, that actually happened)
• Servers in restaurants who bring food to everyone at the table EXCEPT the kids (good grief)
• Restaurants that claim to be family friendly but have no changing facilities (I have been known to change a poopy diaper on a booth seat just to make a point)
• Chuck E. Cheese ('nuff said)
• Planners of public parks in hot climates (I'm in Texas) that do not put shade structures over playground equipment (sorry, but that stuff gets ridiculously hot in the summer - why don't you put some shorts on and slide and see how it feels?)
• Public parks meant for young children that have no bathroom facilities (I know it's a lot more money, but seriously?)
• The fact that every grocery store doesn't have a play place for kids so the moms can shop in peace (I would PAY for this)
• CANDY AT THE CHECK OUT LINES (SO HELP ME GOD ONE OF THESE DAYS I AM GOING TO LOSE IT IN THE GROCERY STORE)
• People who think the peanut allergy is a fad
• People who make fun of other people's children, especially in front of their own
• People who don't take time to explain certain things to their children......for example, while on vacation we encountered a young man with Down's Syndrome. His case was severe. He wanted to shake my hand and I was glad to do it. He was very loud and very excited. I have been a teacher for many years and I have worked with many different children, so I wasn't afraid at all. My oldest, however, was very scared of him. I took the time to explain to her what Down's Syndrome was and that he was just happy, and that there was absolutely nothing to be afraid of. The boy's father was very thankful, and I know that he doesn't always get that kind of reaction from people, which is very sad.
• Parents who exhibit bad manners, a lack of courtesy, rudeness, or any other inappropriate behavior in front of their children
• ANY PARENT WHO HAS EVER DUCT TAPED THEIR CHILDREN TO A WALL
• Honey Boo Boo and her skank of a mother
• And for that matter, any pageant moms
• Parents who try to be their children's buddy instead of their parent
• Rental car companies who try to give you a 2 door sports car when you clearly have two full size car seats (yes, I would LOVE to drive the sports car, thanks for reminding me that I am very much a mom right now)
• Rental car companies in general
• Flight attendants with attitudes
• Any parent who has every taken their toddler to a movie in a theater (unless it's animated, age appropriate, and engaging) especially after bedtime
• People who offer unsolicited parenting advice
• Grocery baggers who put baby food in the same bag with raw meat (had to call the manager at the store about that one)
• People who drive with small children in the front seat (children who are clearly not old enough to be sitting there)
• Women who use public bathrooms and pee all over the toilet (or worse) and don't clean up after themselves.....seriously, girls!! There is no need to hover. And whether you do or don't, have the courtesy to turn around and make sure you didn't leave a mess. 
• Women who use public bathrooms and WALK OUT WITHOUT WASHING THEIR HANDS. Gross. Just gross.
• People who chew with their mouths open and talk with their mouths full of food. Again, just gross. It's hard to teach my kids that doing that is not ok when they look around and everyone is doing it. You look like cows. 
• Daylight Savings Time
• Delivery people who ring the doorbell during naptime even though I have a sign CLEARLY posted that says "Please Do Not Ring the Bell"
• Random solicitors who ring the doorbell
• Dog hair
• Laundry
• Misspelled, professionally printed signs.....even my oldest is starting to point them out. Yes, people, spelling matters.
• The whole "pants around the thighs with boxers showing" trend. I mean really? What is up with that? You look like an idiot, pull your pants up.

I'm sure I'll think of more. In the meantime, I've got laundry to do.

Feel free to add your own!