Today We Mourn the Passing of COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: 
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; 
Why the early bird gets the worm; 
Life isn't always fair; 
and
Maybe it was my fault. 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). 

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year- old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. 

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Things I Can't Do Anymore, Thanks to the Internet

So we've all gotten the emails from Aunt Sally, the Facebook shares, the paranoid rants from friends saying, "OH MY GOD did you read the one about.....???" Most of them usually turn out to be urban legends. Even so, way too many people will believe them anyway. It seriously seems as if the more our knowledge is expanded by technology, the dumber and more gullible we get. No matter the story, no matter how far-fetched, it's on the Internet. It's been shared like thousands of times. How can it not be true? 

So here's a list of things I can't do anymore.....thanks to the Internet and all of you people who forward me emails, share things on my Facebook wall, and do the whole, "OH MY GOD did you hear about....." thing. Thanks so much.

Things I Can't Do Anymore, Thanks to the Internet:

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel. Or my sleeve. Or the hem of my skirt. I've even used my elbows at times. But I've seen enough women leave the restroom without washing their hands and I've heard enough stories about the crap (literally and figuratively) left on the handles of public restroom doors that I can't bring myself to touch them anymore.

I can't let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water - too much bacteria on the lemon peel. 

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. And don't even get me started on the ink blot designs I make in my head out of the blood and other stains that would surely show up with black lights in the hotel room. 

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. Hey! We didn't know they were bad until recently!

I can't touch any other woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes. I must also send an extra special thanks to whomever invented self-stick stamps and self-sealing envelopes. 

ALSO, now I have to wipe off the top of every can before I open it for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freakish things with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. (Actually I do use deodorant. Body odor is one of my biggest pet peeves and I just can't handle it, no matter what the consequences might be.)

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Yet another reason why I think religion is crap. 

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I also no longer use Listerine, because it can apparently remove the callouses from your feet. 

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. Or slide in the passenger seat. You know what? From now on I am just going to send my husband to buy the gas.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water or heat up my coffee in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movie theater because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. That and the fact that people in the movie theater are generally so fucking annoying that I want to slap every single one of them before the movie is over.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and the Ukraine........like I would dial it anyway. But I digress.

Thanks to you I can't use any bathroom but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the toilet seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Because there's plenty of room for a big black snake under the seat, you know. You'd never notice a huge snake before you sat down.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. Because they all want me. They really do. 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. For those that don't know, the Violin Spider is a Brown Recluse. I live in Texas. Those suckers are vicious. Your hand probably wouldn't fall off, but it wouldn't be pretty after the spider got done with it.

I can no longer take my dog to the dog park because she might pick up a poison soaked Nerf ball. There are just too many weirdos out there.

I can't use the barbecue grill anymore because if I'm wearing my contacts, they're going to fuse to my eyeballs, and if I'm wearing my glasses, I can't see worth a damn. 

So see? See all of these things I can't do anymore? Things that were, for the most part, fine and dandy before the Internet allowed us to share, post, send, and tweet anything and everything, be it true or not? 

I'm sure there are many, many more. Maybe enough for another blog on another day. But that's all for now. I'd love to hear some of yours!

XOXOXOX

One Blunt Mom

Got Religion? Great. Get It Out of My Face.

Greg Epstein is the humanist chaplain at Harvard University and the author of the New York Times bestseller “Good Without God.” In the introduction, he wrote: “This is not a book about whether one can be good without God, because that question does not need to be answered -- it needs to be rejected outright. To suggest that one can’t be good without belief in God is not just an opinion, a mere curious musing -- it is a prejudice.”

It's also complete crap.

I often say that people I have known that claim to be the most Christian -- "I go to church every Sunday, I've read the bible five times, I lead the prayer group, blah blah blah" -- are usually the least Christian in their actions. It's the ultimate in hypocrisy. These are the same people who are quick to quote the bible to prove their point, but they really dislike it when you either point out how they're using the scripture wrong or how they are completely misunderstanding it. These people will stab you in the back in a New York minute, they'll gossip about anyone and everyone whenever they get the chance, they're rude to customer service workers whenever anything doesn't go their way, you get the point. But try to argue your opinion, and they're the first to say, "But the bible says!!!"

I don't dislike religion. What I dislike is people who think that what they believe is what everyone around them should believe. Or in reality, what the whole world should believe. Take those who do missionary work, for example. If you're going to impoverished countries to actually help people, I think that is beyond commendable and I actually wish I had the opportunity to do that also. But if you're going there because you think that these impoverished people would be so much better off if they subscribed to your beliefs, that's just a kind of hubris I can't even wrap my head around. What's wrong with what they believe? Why is what you believe right, or so much better? What if THEY'RE right and you're wrong? 

Let's go back to the "civilization" of America. Funny term, that. We teach in history class that the first colonists were the ones to start civilizing the country. In my opinion, the country was already more civilized by the natives that were already here. You had people who respected the land, using only what was needed, took care of their own, established rules and governments within their own tribes and made treaties with other tribes, and established their own languages and means of communication. Yes, they fought with other tribes. They fought for land, they fought for supplies, they fought for many reasons. How, I ask, is that any different than any other civilization since time began?

And yet they were savages who needed to be taught.

So what did we bring them? The word of God. The bible. How to worship a book instead of the earth and everything she provided. And what else? Disease. Alcohol. And guns. Let's not forget the guns. Then we told them they couldn't stay on this land they had held for how many hundreds of years because we wanted it. So we made them move. But still told them God was good and would take care of them. Trail of Tears, anyone?

Then we have Catholicism. What a complete joke. That religion is so steeped in violence, murder, corruption and greed that I am absolutely amazed that anyone actually takes it seriously. The Pope is flawless and never has an impure thought? Seriously? He's MALE. I call complete BULLSHIT. And don't even get me started on the whole "priests raping little boys" scandal. That just makes me sick. So they're ok with covering that up, moving those priests around to keep it quiet.......but birth control is a sin, fertility assistance goes against the word of God, homosexuality is an abomination, and so on and so on. I've got news for you, Catholics....homosexuality has been observed in almost every animal species. You know what has never been observed in anything but humans? CELIBACY. Oh and then there's the problem I have with Catholicism and the ten commandments.....you know the one that says, "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me"?  Then there's the one that says you cannot create any image or any likeness of any heavenly being or object. Those would be the FIRST TWO commandments. Now, walk into any Catholic church. And there ya go. Absolute hypocrisy.

So now you have people arguing against abortion, even though Roe vs. Wade was passed almost forty years ago, and they're trying to use the bible to stand behind. You have people arguing against equal rights for homosexuals, trying to use the bible to stand behind. You have people arguing that the government (the GOVERNMENT) should be following the bible, using prayer in Congress, and so on. What in the hell is going on in this country? 

I love the people who try to argue that this country was founded on Christianity. Um, no it wasn't and some of you people seriously need to read up on your history. The Treaty of Tripoli, ratified by the U.S. Senate in 1797, states that "the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion." Furthermore, Article Six of the Constitution reads "no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any 
office or public trust under the United States." In other words, a person does not have to 
subscribe to any particular religious faith in order to serve as President, as a member of 
Congress, as a federal judge, or in any other government position. The First Amendment 
prohibits the government from banning any religion, and also prohibits the government from 
setting up any religion as the nation's official faith, no matter what the zealots would like to 
have happen.


Oh, Westboro Baptist Church. What ammunition you provide. If ever there was an entity that 
claims to be doing the work of God and is, in actuality, doing the COMPLETE OPPOSITE, it 
would be you. You people are so ridiculously misled and brainwashed it's amazing any of 
you can go take a pee on your own. Oh wait, maybe you all do that together, too. Mr. Phelps, 
you are evil walking, and you can tell yourself whatever you want to help yourself sleep at 
night, but the ONLY people who think you have any sense in that peabrain of yours are the 
ones drinking your KoolAid on a daily basis. Freak.

I don't claim to be an atheist. I don't claim to be agnostic. I was raised and baptized Episcopalian, but then church became more of a social scene once I was in middle and high school. We'd go to church with my grandparents, sometimes this Baptist church, sometimes that one, sometimes a Methodist church. I guess the feeling was, as Dolly Parton said in "Steel Magnolias", that "God didn't care which church you went to as long as you showed up." 

I also don't claim to be religious. I believe in science, I believe in facts, and I sure as hell don't believe that the bible: a book written by men, a book that contradicts itself over and over, a book made of up stories passed down by how many generations with embellishments and additions made by how many people.....I just cannot believe that this is a book I am supposed to base my entire life around. 

Now here's where I will concede a few points. I do not argue that there are good points and morals in the bible that we should all strive to follow. I mean really, there's the Golden Rule, which SOOOO many people seem to have conveniently forgotten: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." Too bad more "Christians" don't follow that one.

My husband and I are kind, generous people. We teach our children to be kind and respectful, and we do not judge people by anything but by their deeds. We have the same struggles as everyone else. We give to charities, we volunteer our time in our community, we take care of our responsibilities and we don't expect anything from anyone. We open doors for people, we say please and thank you, we teach our children correct table manners and to be respectful of adults. We do our best to recycle and do what we can to help reduce our carbon footprint. I work in the garden, I teach my girls how to help me with that, and hopefully in the spring we're going to start a vegetable garden. We help when help is warranted, but we certainly balk at helping people who just want something for nothing. My husband and I love each other deeply, we are celebrating our tenth anniversary this year, we have a lot of fun together, and we make sure our children see us show affection toward each other just as much as we show affection towards them. There's not a day in this house that every single person isn't told how much they are loved. Again, we have the same struggles, the same frustrations, the same child-rearing woes as everyone else. We yell, we get angry. We also make up, laugh, giggle, cry and hug each other. 

Yep, we're total heathens. 

Being a Parent Sucks Sometimes

When I was a little girl, I would play with my dolls, dreaming about the day I would have a baby of my own. My friends would come over and we would dress our dolls up, have little tea parties, pretend we were their mothers.  We imagined our days as actual mommies would be filled with flowery tea parties, dress up play, dance recitals, and beauty pageants, because of course we were only going to have girls. Our children would be perfect little angels, the epitome of society, with exquisite manners,  insane talents, and unparalleled beauty. Fantasy and imagination were encouraged in my childhood, you see.

Boy did reality kick me square in the ass.

Having children is hard. Supah hard. And I am not talking about the giving birth part.....that part was easy compared to the day in and day out challenges that raising a child (or 2, or 3, or more, for you crazy people out there) brings.

I was all set. I mean, I had worked with children of all ages for several years, including infants, I had graduated college, started my career, met my husband and married, and we decided it was time to start a family. I was in my early 30's and we were both financially and emotionally stable.

And then there came reality again.

There were complications with my pregnancy and it was very stressful. It was not the fun and enjoyable type of pregnancy I had envisioned at all. She was premature. I had a reaction to the epidural. My recovery from the c-section (she was breech) was incredibly difficult because of it. She spent some time in the NICU, which was extremely hard, emotionally and physically. I was not prepared for the roller coaster that put me through. Nothing in my life could ready me for the day I had to leave the hospital without her. It was like I left a piece of myself there. We were only gone for a couple of hours, but that was one of the hardest things I have ever done. She came home soon after (and is now very healthy and happy), and I would not wish that experience on anyone. But I was ready to be home with her, to be a mom like I had always dreamed of being, to have that life with a newborn that was perfect, just like the storybooks and pictures.

Reality again punched me in the face.

My husband's job requires him to travel. Well, because she was early, his job schedule was a little tough to work out, and he ended up traveling not too long after we brought her home. I remember sitting on the couch holding her and crying, telling him I couldn't do it. I couldn't take care of her all by myself and keep her safe. His answer? "You kind of have to." Yep, I kinda did. I had taken care of three to four babies at a time working in day care, but this one was MINE, and somehow that changed the game completely. Needless to say, we both survived. And honestly, for the new moms out there.....you really do forget how hard those first few months are.

Baby girl number two was a complete surprise.

At least they were going to be almost five years apart. That would make everything so much better, right? I mean, the oldest would be out of diapers and potty trained. The oldest would be in school most of the time and I would get to have time with the baby. The oldest would be such a great little helper, such a wonderful big sister, this was going to be perfect.

Where, exactly, do I get these insane ideas?

At least number two was born without any issues.....our stay in the hospital was actually really nice. I had a spinal this time, my recovery was remarkably easy, my first born was safe at home with grandma......it was actually relaxing. The nurses were surprised when I didn't want them to take her to the nursery, but I didn't get to have that time with my first, and I was enjoying it. They would come in, and she would be sleeping in my arms, music playing on the computer and I would be snoozing or reading a book. I had several nurses ask me if they could just hang out in my room because it was so peaceful! I really enjoyed my time with her.

Here comes that bitch reality again.

Raising children is extremely, incomparably hard. Not only in the day to day general "taking care of business" sense, but also in the energy-sucking, physically exhausting, emotionally draining and yet incredibly rewarding sense. I read a quote once that having a child was like having your heart walking around outside your body. I agree with that. You do everything you can every single day to keep them healthy, safe, and happy.....all the while trying to keep yourself sane, centered and happy while getting everything done that you need to get done. And at the end of the day, I usually realize my "to do" list still has most of the "to do's" on it. There are always regrets, things I wish I had done more of and things I wish I had done less of (yes, I am addicted to Candy Crush).

Seriously, the moms (and dads) who claim to never yell, discipline with love & logic only, create crafts with their children all day long while simultaneously vacuuming every square inch of the house and cooking a five course meal for dinner must be drinking themselves into a stupor each and every night to rein in the stress of being so perfect all day every day. I just don't buy it. I strive every day to be that kind of mom, but I'm just NOT. I yell. I get frustrated. I have gone into the other room and screamed into a pillow. I yell some more. But you know what? I also apologize. I let my girls know when I crossed the line. We talk about why what they were doing was not ok, but we also talk about why the way mommy reacted was not ok. I try using love & logic, I use time out, I use positive reinforcement, and all of that. But sometimes you've said something enough times and given enough warnings that a swat on the butt is what it takes to get through to them. Don't agree? Fine. You parent the way you want, and I will parent the way I want. My children do not get spanked very often, but they know when they do, that they have pushed all limits.

So right there, I know that the comments will include judgments about spanking. And THAT'S why parenting sucks. Because you are constantly judged. You are judged by the method you choose to give birth. You are judged by the method by which you choose to nourish your child. You are judged by the clothes you choose (my child ONLY wears designer labels), the child care you choose (it must be the most ostentatious, most expensive or it's not good enough), the car seat brand you have (what do you mean you don't have a Britax?), the diaper bag you carry (oh, but I buy a new Petunia Pickle Bottom every couple of months!), the car you drive (if you're not driving the biggest SUV available, you're not doing everything you can to keep your child safe), and so on. You will be judged by your parents (and your in-laws) for your parenting methods. And that's always fun. And you will continue to be judged regarding your children for the rest of your life. People will judge you in public for the things you say, the things you don't say, the things you do and don't do, the way your children behave (even if they're two and not doing anything but acting like a two year old), what your children are wearing, etc. It's a sad, sad commentary on humanity.

But it's reality. See? I told you she was a bitch.

You know what, though? You don't have any reason to care what other people think. You need to be the kind of parent that is best for you, best for your children, and best for your family. It's ok to step away at times and take time for yourself. No one should make you feel guilty for that. It's ok to leave the kids with a babysitter (yes, even an infant) and have a date night with your spouse. You BOTH need that. As long as you are not abusing your children in any way, duct taping them to the wall, taking  duck face naked selfies with your toddler in the background, posing them with beers and cigarettes (man am I on Facebook too much), or any other such ridiculous nonsense, then do the best you can, and don't worry about anyone else.

Yes, being a parent sucks sometimes. But you know what? It's also incredible. I have two healthy, beautiful children and I know how lucky I am. I also know that I completely take for granted how lucky I am. I have friends who were unable to have children. I have friends who have children with severe disabilities. I have friends who suffered devastating losses. When I get frustrated with my children I try so hard to remember them and appreciate what I have, and that is difficult. No one's perfect. We're all human, just trying to do the best we can.

I'm going to go and play with my kids now.